Anyway, that usually means I travel 1900 miles ONE WAY.  On average I travel 12,000 miles. A MONTH. A few of you may travel once a year, for the holidays.  Some even less.  The holidays are the absolute worst time to experience an airport in my opinion.  If you’ve stepped into the terminal and you’re looking for the Eastern or Pan Am ticket counter, then this is for you:

1. Get there early. Just because you decided to show up 30 minutes before your flight in no way entitles you to rush past the hundreds of customers that got their ass out of bed on time.  A familiar anecdote – “Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.”  Sorry.  Hope that next flight isn’t overbooked. (I say that fully knowing it is.  EVERY flight is overbooked.)

2. Checking bags. Yes, you’ll pay to check a bag in at the ticket counter.  Typically 15 bucks.  What?  Didn’t see that on the fine print of the ticket you purchased on the internet and thought you saved 5 bucks over another airline?  Arguing over what Travelocity or Orbitz charged you with the Delta agent will get you NOWHERE.  Deal with it.

3. Experienced traveler line. This isn’t you.  Stay the f*ck out of it.

4. You have to take your shoes off to go through security. Letting TSA know don’t have any socks on isn’t going to help.  Oh, and think of the thousands of other bare feet that have left varying traveling fungi on those security mats as you stand there.  Mmm, mmm.  Nothing like a little athlete’s foot while roasting chestnuts near the fire.  Wear socks.  Please.

5. TSA.  I could go on for days on this subject, but you’ll just have to experience this yourself.  Too entertaining for words.  Don’t plan on bringing Aunt Gertrude’s favorite eggnog with you on the flight, unless you only have 3 ounces of the stuff.  On that note, here’s a great article on security that I completely agree with – http://www.schneier.com/blog/archives/2009/11/beyond_security.html

6. Navigation.  “This place is just too big.”  It’s an airport.  It has to be big.  There are AIRPLANES parked outside.  If you were at all listening at the ticket counter, you’d know what terminal you’re in.  Of course, if you forget, it’s printed on your ticket.  You know, the one you left at TSA screening when you were putting your flip flops back on?  As you schlep your luggage to the gate area, you’ll probably pay any amount of money to not have to drag that around through the next 4 layovers on your “internet special” of a ticket.  That 15 bucks might have been worth it…

7. Gate area and lines. Airlines typically board in something called “zones.”  You’ll have a zone number on your ticket.  Get up and board when it’s called.  Not before.  No need to form a line ACROSS the terminal, blocking thousands of other holiday travelers trying to get to some other gate on time.  Oh, and the platinum level line that is open next to the general boarding line?  Yeah, stay the f*ck out of it.

8. Boarding. Here’s a novel idea.  Don’t wait until you’re on the airplane to pull out your ticket again to see what seat you’re in.  You can’t remember 26A for 5 minutes?  Really?  OK, here’s a good place for the backpack discussion.  Speedy travelers wearing backpacks, when you turn your body heading down the isle, you’re tagging passengers already seated with your laptop or whatever.  Knock it off.  Same goes for purses and shit, ladies.  Know where you’re swinging that crap so I don’t have to use my USMC martial arts blocking techniques in defensive action.

9. Personal F’n Space! This could get lengthy.  OK, I get it.  Planes are tight quarters.  They need to seat as many customers as possible to make any money off that 49 dollar ticket from LAX to ATL you just purchased.  You can’t drive from LA to San Fran for that, but I digress.  I don’t know what happens, but people seem to forget where there crotch and ass are once they board an airplane.  One minute, I’m jamming Foo Fighters, reading WIRED magazine, and the next thing you know, I’ve got some stranger’s balls on my shoulder separated by a mere 1/16 of an inch of the finest polyester.  WTF?  Did you not see me sitting here before you decided to load the overhead bin?  Should I just throw a glob of KY in my ear canal, so you can skull f*ck me while you’re there?  Just because your gut has prevented you from seeing your junk the last few years does not mean I want to.  Same thing applies when you bend over and shove your ass in my face.  I thought your blue, lint-ridden sweatpants were just swell when you walked on, but now that I have a closer look at what you’ve been sitting on for the last two days, I’m no longer able to stomach my coffee.  Thanks.

10. Cell Phones, iPods, and other electronics. Just today my flight was held back because they cannot move the plane until all electronics are off.  This is for the jackass that disregards the “please turn off electronics” announcement.  Apparently, your phone call is more important than the other 200 of us getting to ATL on time.  But wait.  It gets better.  HE WAS TALKING TO HIS WIFE 20 ROWS FORWARD!  And another thing, you may have recently stepped into 2009 technology and found yourself with an iTouch or iPhone.  It came with headphones for a reason.  Please don’t feel the need to use your external speaker for the entire cabin to enjoy your episode of “Murder She Wrote.”

11. Trash. Take it with you.  The flight crew is working for damn near minimum wage.  They are not there to clean up your filth, but end up doing so after you leave.  Airplanes are nasty enough as it is.  Think about that the next time you let your screaming kid eat cheerios off the seat cushion.  Then again, let ‘em chow down.  You deserve it.

I could write for days on this stuff.  Just hitting the wave tops here.  So much to discuss, but these are just a few of a multitude of travel pet peeves.  More on these in follow on discussion.  Of course, there’s a very good chance my OCD has my perception of said atrocities blown way out of proportion.  But I doubt it.  With any luck, airline travel will revert back to something people respect and admire.

Now what seat are you in?  Yeah, 26A.  Glad you remembered.  The fact you know seats are listed in alphabetical order from right to left as you board earns bonus points.

Happy traveling.